Searching

I have noticed a constant need in our community. People seem to have a problem connecting with the “right” partner. This is despite there being an immense supply of available dominants and submissives. Why is it that this need exists amidst so much plenty? I have been to events where I have chatted to a submissive that has expressed her needs and within five minutes chatted with a dominant expressing a compatible need yet while the two are within ten feet of each other, they never speak. They both wind up leaving the event unfulfilled, a pity to be sure.

Is there a solution to this problem? There is no one “best” solution but there are avenues to be explored. I will speak in terms of the dominant. First and foremost, I think a dominant should know themselves and become comfortable with the person they are. These are not simply glib words. The dominant should take the time to make an assessment of their lives. What have they accomplished? What do they wish to accomplish? What have they failed at accomplishing? Where do they draw the line between what is right and what is wrong? Where do they see themselves five years from now? What are their long term and short term goals. What do they like about themselves? What do they dislike about themselves? How have they enriched their lives? How have they enriched the lives of those around them? These questions do not even begin to scratch the surface but I think the reader will get the general idea. The answers to these questions are a critical part of the dominant defining who they are at any given time.

Once the dominant has defined who they are in totality, the next part is deciding if they are comfortable with the person they have defined? Do they like that person? This can be a very difficult thing to do because often we are our own worse critic. It is not uncommon for each of us to magnify the “bad” about us and minimize the “good”. The dominant should realize that each of us has both within us. For the things that fall into the “don’t like” category, what is being done about them? Are you being proactive or reactive?

AlthoughI have defined this process in a couple of brief paragraphs it is by no means a quick, easy thing to do. Sometimes it can actually be a rather long, painful process because it forces one to deal face-to-face with some pretty nasty demons. What is the point of all this? There are a couple of immediate points. First, it allows clarity in our minds regarding the person we are. Second, once we have defined that person, it becomes easier to define the person we seek as the “right” partner.

Once we have defined ourselves, we know gain a clearer picture of what it is we are prepared to bring to a relationship. We know our strengths and our weaknesses. We know what our needs are. We know our intrinsic value. Once we know that intrinsic value, we can begin to define the type of person that will enhance that value.

Defining the “right” submissive is critical if you ever plan to find her. One should start with the definition of “I” and decide what characteristics complement that definition. It is important to remember that the dominant is also expected to bring things to the table that will allow a potential submissive to enhance her intrinsic value. What are you prepared to bring? Your potential partner has as much right as you to ask, precisely what is in this for them. Your potential partner has every right to expect absolutely clear answers. No generalities, no vagueness, no deflections.

Going through this process of defining who and what you are as well as defining who and what you want will save a lot of frustration. You have the benefit of being able to present yourself in a clear, confident, honest manner in a variety of environments. Since you have gone through the process, you will be able to better detect when someone is not as forthcoming with you and that can be a clear warning sign to move on. While you may approach a potential partner straight up, clear and honest there is nothing binding on them to respond in kind. You could easily be met with deception, illusion and evasion. Know it when you see it and act accordingly.

The observant dominant will notice that none of this has anything at all to do with physical characteristics and everything to do with character. Character is what you are looking for. The only thing that is truly important is what is behind the eyes and between the ears. This is not about what looks good. This is totally about what is good. Anyone can posture, pose and look good at a play party. You will save yourself countless hours of frustration by being able to quickly determine if that submissive who looks good is really worth pursuing.

So suppose you start this path of introspection and self definition. Suppose you even develop a precise idea of who you want and what you are prepared to offer. Does this mean you will find the submissive or slave of your dreams in less than thirty days? It would be nice if that were a consistent reality. You may or may not find the partner you seek in thirty days. Regardless, you will have dramatically increased the odds in your favour.