Don’t Be The Next Horror Story

It looks like the ravages of winter have finally left our fair land. What a winter it was. We had typhoon-force winds, trees uprooted and even boil-water advisories in Vancouver of all places. Mother Nature certainly did her thing. Fortunately from all reports, the good members of Sagacity survived all of this no worse for wear.

Now that spring is upon us, we get the natural urge to grow things and re-new things in our abodes. The aspect of growing things is a wonderful thing. Like many, I spent some hours of the May long weekend in the garden shop selecting various specimens to grow in this year’s garden. It is a good time of the year.

I have heard disturbing reports from various quarters of a serious epidemic spreading across the Lower Mainland. This epidemic has a devastating effect upon households. It causes repeated outbreaks of anger, tears, frustration and destruction. This outbreak can literally destroy homes. The first symptoms of this horrid condition appear as very benign and even friendly things. Do not be fooled! It is incumbent on every dominant to crush this scourge at the first sign! What is the name of this horror you ask? THE HOME RENOVATION FRENZY!

I urge all dominants in the strongest possible terms to valiantly resist and crush any attempt by this ailment to gain a foothold in your domicile. It can be very insidious in the first stages. There is the innocent looking, home decorating magazine. There is nothing innocent about this magazine. It is laden with invisible spores eager to infect the peaceful, quiet home. Then there are the "home and garden" shows. These must be avoided at all costs. These places are hot beds of the vile infection. They have an abundance of new and fancy things for the home. They also have the renovation dreaded, renovation companies. You can always tell when one of people from these companies is singing their all-too-seductive song. They say things like, "It will only take a week to install..." or "Oh yes, we have everything in stock." They will even say, “We can start on your home right away." The worse one of all is, "We have NEVER had a job like yours take more than 2 weeks." Treat these people like you would treat a crack dealer who is also a politician.

Once you allow this infection to enter your home, it is too late! All too often, the job will NOT be finished on time. You may be lucky if it is finished three months AFTER the promised date. What you ordered will NOT be what is delivered. Your home WILL look like a war zone for a very long time. Delivery schedules will NOT be kept especially if it involves you taking time off of work. Then there are the costs. Have you recently won the lottery?

It must be said that not every home renovation project is wrought with untold horrors and perils. There are some that come off without a hitch and are finished on time, on budget and trouble-free. Like Clint Eastwood said in Dirty Harry, "Do you feel lucky?"

So suppose you decide that the best way to avoid the stress of home renovations is to take off while the work is being done. Suppose you meet with the contractor, arrange for all the permits and licenses, have blueprints and precisely detailed, agreed upon instructions in writing? Suppose you decide to leave for a month to allow the work to be done since the contractor has absolutely promised that everything would be done in 3 weeks? I know of a couple that used precisely this method. They had planned to return to a perfectly renovated home. They returned to find that their previously well cared for, character home valued at several hundred thousand dollars was unfit for habitation by even a cockroach. This couple is now living in an apartment while they wait and wait and wait for their home to be completed. Imagine the shock of walking into your home and expecting to find brand new wood floors and discovering three feet inside of the front door that the visible floor is actually the basement floor. The floor that was there when they had left was now completely missing.

Of course the contractor was contacted. The contractor then uttered the most dreaded words a home owner can hear. "We ran into a couple of problems." Now in case one gets the brilliant idea of doing home renovations themselves, call me. I will put you in touch with an excellent psychotherapist.

My study of this frenzy over the years has brought me to the conclusion that a home is in many ways, a living entity. Like most living creatures, it is designed to function best in a specific way. Imagine for a moment that someone came along and decided that they wanted to renovate and redesign the contents of your abdominal cavity. There would probably be some resistance to that idea especially if the contents of that cavity were perfectly functional. A house responds in a similar fashion. It resists. That resistance is completely designed to make you absolutely miserable and totally regret ever having the idea. It is very successful at this.

In closing, remember that Home Renovation Frenzy shares a common genetic heritage with the Amazing Leaky Condo Surprise.