Chat for dummies

I’ll bet you already knew that there is a huge difference between online BDSM and reality, but – I’m writing about it anyway.

Quite a number of years ago I found BDSM online merely by accident.

Sure, I’d already had real life relationships with men and women, but kink had always appealed to me. But I was unaware of actual kink societies and gatherings, let alone chat rooms dedicated to kink (or BDSM, or S/M – insert whatever terms works for you) or real clubs and associations and meetings with real life people doing real life schtuff really existed and even flourished.

I recall the first time I saw BDSM being discussed in an online chat room. There was a hot scene going on – though for all I know now it was people that weren't Dominating or submitting but at home, safely in front of their computers were actually typing class papers or doing the laundry. The chat site that I used to go to had rooms dedicated to BDSM and I’d go and sit in these rooms and lurk. Eventually I ‘spoke’ and I spent a year or so chatting and investigating BDSM.

At some point in this discovery phase I decided it was time to actually attend a real kink event as I was seeking a real time relationship and I certainly needed real time experience. After all, online you can use your sword to kill others, burn the nipples off your submissive (I never got that and I suspect that’s due to the burned off nipples being of no use to me!), and my personal favorite – online castration, and online collarings – though some men may say it’s much the same thing.

I lived in a relatively small community at the time and drove about an hour to the next largest community to attend a local kink group meeting. I met a lot of people that night, experienced much, gained a bunch of knowledge and never returned to chatting. I suspect that if online is all you can experience, all that you can have, and all that it can ever be, that’s fine, but I can’t imagine doing that for a lengthy period and not wanting to experience a real person, a real relationship, real kink.

My online observations did have an effect on my first relationships in that everything I’d learned, and been taught to me were taught to me by some anonymous person that upon a rare occasion I might actually speak to on the phone. I had no way of knowing if this person really was who they said they were and that they knew anything more than I did. I had to do a lot of un-learning once I left chat.

I learned on-line that Dominants were always perfect, all knowing, always confident, didn’t have bad days, and were obscenely wealthy and beautiful and never lifted a finger because there was some hot guy or gal waiting upon their every need. Submissives were vulnerable, confused creatures that needed a Dominant to guide them (god forbid they could get a clue on their very own). I learned that typing in the Yyou style was a matter of respect, that all the submissives hung out on the furs in front of the fireplace even if it was a million degrees outside. I watched more than one submissive ‘serve’ me a drink. Then there is Gor - it's a fine system for keeping women down and permits them to be mindless idiots while turning over every possible decision to someone else (and that person could be a man or a woman and it's still a very stupid thing to do). What is even more stupid is that people attempt to live like a Gorean in real life. Thankfully I can't imagine a life so hellishly boring as to want or need that.

I couldn't help but notice that most online relationships were relatively trouble free because as soon as the heat got hot, or you got bored, you just changed partners, beheaded them, ‘slayed’ them, caused your own cyber-death or just assumed a new identity. Christ how convenient!

I’m still surprised that there are people who continue the online fantasy stuff. There are chat rooms for werewolves, vampires, for Star Wars personas or you can be Spock for a few hours. It’s now just very absurd to me – sort of embarrassing and childish.

Once I moved to reality my cyber dreams died – and quickly. Most submissives that I’ve met are intelligent people, but they are human just like the Dominants I know. They come in all shapes and sizes and rarely is life perfect. They have bad days, they make lousy choices, they don’t always maintain control over themselves and I know of no obscenely wealthy Dominants – though they likely exist.

Fantasy is great – I have an active imagination and love using it, but when it comes to kink there isn’t a great substitute for reality. For those in fantasy worlds only, get a life!

Yours truly

Isabelle Channing