Dear Miss Beverley,
Thanks for volunteering to answer readers' questions - it's a most welcome resource to come across.
I just posted the following ad in Sagacity personals: "Very fit & active newly semi-retired 61-year-old easy-going & outgoing professional man seeks an older woman with an insatiable appetite to receive oral (probably as part of a threesome or more). If you hang around with uncircumsized men, I can also service them as well. I live in both the Gulf Islands & in Vancouver and can be available sporadically in either the Vancouver or Victoria areas."
Although I've posted similar ads elsewhere, it's almost impossible to hook up with anyone...and hence my question to you - am I likely looking in the wrong places, is my ad just not that appealing...or...?
With thanks in advance for your assistance,
Graham
Dear Graham
It is my feeling that you are looking for a “swingers” group as opposed to a group that is focused on Domination and Submission, bondage, discipline and sado-masochism. These are not sex parties. Trying one of the Sagacity events would be a good way to find out for sure whether this is for you or not. Your timing for that is terrific because Sagacity has an event coming up on February 25. Regardless as to whether this is your niche or not I am absolutely certain that you will enjoy yourself immensely and find everyone very friendly.
Below is the link for a swinging group in the Vancouver area, and I believe that you will likely find more information on their web site in that regard. It does sound like this is more what you are seeking.
VanCity Swingers
Wherever you find you are most comfortable I wish you the best of luck.
Dear Miss Beverley,
I've just recently decided to explore my interests in BDSM and am looking for advice on finding a partner (I'm a female sub/brat looking for an experienced dom, preferably male, but not necessary). I responded to an advert in the Georgia Straight and emailed and spoke with the dom but there didn't seem to be enough chemistry to warrant a meeting. I've done research online, visited alt.com as well as a couple of yahoo groups such as Vancouver Slaves and subsonly. Today I attended the Conference of Kink in Vancouver. I'm not looking for a long term,
24/7 D/s relationship - just someone safe, respectful, trustworthy, etc. that I have chemistry with and feel comfortable with. How does one get started? I'm not a very social person by nature (introverted) so to attend a fetish party as a way of meeting people is highly unlikely. I like the idea of munches but would feel a bit out of place as I have no experience and therefore nothing to share. On the Sagacity website I noticed a Personals section which seemed like a very good resource. Is there an equivalent here in Vancouver? (I didn't like alt.com because most of the men were from Surrey or Maple Ridge and seemed to have a Robert Pickton-like vibe about them.) Any help or suggestions would be most appreciated!
cate
Dear Cate
Meeting a partner is never an easy thing, and I have found it to be a numbers game. I have had an ad on alt for years, and while I have met a few people that have remained as acquaintances there has been no one that has had all of the qualities that I am seeking.
It sounds to me like you are doing all the right things, and that perhaps you are a little impatient (me too!!)...You say that you are not very social, and yet you attended the Conference of Kink...good for you! Truth be told, that is likely where you will find someone...Let's face it, if they are at a kinky event, then they have a genuine interest on some level. I do not attend the munches here in Vancouver, but I feel they would also be an excellent place to connect. And please, don't feel that because you are new you will have nothing to contribute...we all had to start somewhere. In a year you will be marveling at the knowledge you have gained, and that when someone new enters the scene that you can help them feel comfortable.
I don't know of an equivalent to the Sagacity personals here in Vancouver, but I will tell you that I just recently met someone from Vancouver as a result of my ad on the Sagacity site in Victoria...You might want to try it.
Whenever you meet someone off of an ad, no matter where it is posted, remember to do so safely! Have fun...enjoy the journey...be patient!
Dear Miss Beverley,
My Dom has a breast fetish, and loves breast play. Due to medical issues, i have now had a mastectomy and have only one breast, and am not able to do any breast play as the other one no longer provides pleasure. I am very conflicted, as i now feel inadequate to please my Dom. He is kind about it and does not make an issue of it, and i am grateful for this. However, there are occasional looks and remarks that remind me that others have something to offer that i dont, and this hurts, and i have difficulty dealing with the ensuing insecurities that arise. Do you have any words of advice?
precious
Dear Precious,
You have much to offer! I am so sorry for your medical issues, and for your having been through such a difficult time, but please remember that your Dom is still there, and that his caring of you as a wonderful, smart, funny, beautiful woman has not changed. I have seen you play! There are many men that would love to have a woman that is able to be as intense as you are.
I am sorry that you are feeling insecure, but I cannot imagine that is not natural for any woman having gone through what you have. I also think that if someone is drawn to breasts he could be with Dolly Parton and still be looking around...But eye candy is just that...what you offer is much more significant.
Have you talked with him openly and honestly about your feelings? Perhaps he is unaware that there are sensitivities there, and circumstances that occasionally cause you to feel hurt. I don't know how recent all of this is either, but I do know for certain that time has a way of dealing with things in a positive manner. Try to remember all the beauty that is YOU both inside and out...hold your head high...You are lovely, and obviously he thinks so too or he wouldn't still be proudly by your side!
Dear Miss Beverley,
Thank you so much for offering your time with answering our questions. i have been pondering how endorphins work in our bodies and was hoping that you would be able to shed some light on some of my questions:
1) Can we over use endorphins to the point that they deplete, or is there an unlimited amount that our bodies can create?
2) Is there a downside to bringing on the endorphins often....do they have bad side effects down the road?
3) Are there certain foods that we can eat before play that would enable them to be created more readily?
Thanks in advance, and i look forward to your perspective on this.
Hugs from teacup
Dear teacup,
My apologies for taking such a long time to answer your question...it is a good one, and very thought provoking. I do not have any medical background, so my answer is from my own personal experience.
I don't believe that you can "deplete" endorphins. I have been playing now since 1992, and my endorphin highs are just as intense now as they were back when I began this journey. Because they are naturally created in the body I can't imagine that there would be any residual harm. I think that if there were bad side effects I would be experiencing them by now, given that I have gone to some pretty extreme places over these past 12 years.
As far as certain foods that might create endorphins more readily, I do not know of any. I do think, however, that they are created more easily if the mind is in a good place...I know that when I have been anticipating a scene, and feeling nervous and excited and I am ready to begin, the endorphins quite often occur faster in me...There are also times that they don't happen at all, and if I were to analyze those time I would have to say that they are usually when there is a huge amount of stress in my life. Endorphins are an enormous and very satisfying benefit when we go to those amazing places, and I personally hope we can all enjoy them for as long as we continue to play!
Dear Miss Beverley :)
i have a question, maybe more than one, about some of the play you engage in. i see in you what i perceive to be an incredibly high pain tolerance level, and i am curious about how you do it. Does it really hurt at first, and you go with the pain until the endorphins hit, or is it the pain itself that you enjoy? Did you find that you had to work up to that level, or is the ability to embrace the sensation just an innate part of you? Is it the physical reality (the pain, endorphins, etc.) that you get a rush from, or is it from the ability of your mind to overcome your body? Or a combination?
Also, how are you able to focus so well? i find that at the beginning of play, if something hurts, i can get past it provided the atmosphere is right. i have a hard time filtering out extraneous distractions; even the most minor one can distract my attention, and when that happens, things just hurt more. i'd like to be able to get past that, because it can be a problem anytime there are more than two people in the area.
Naturally, at any play party, this can be a showstopper for me. Music helps, especially the trance-type music, because it's like white noise and helps me focus and filter. Do you have any other suggestions?
jacintha
Dear Jacintha,
I don't really know how I do it! Yikes! And yes, it really hurts at first...then I start to ride the endorphins...then it hurts again...then I ride the waves once more...It is a complex process and difficult to verbalize, and I think that perhaps there is a piece of it that is just as simple as my being a masochist under the right circumstances, and with the right person. There is a huge rush when I reach that point (and I don't always get there), where nothing matters anymore...I am in a space that is altered somehow from my reality...and when I arrive at that amazing destination I don't want to go home. A good example is the flesh hook pull...I reached a spiritual state, blissful, and there was no-one else in the room but me and Elwood, and all of that lovely and amazing energy.
As far as focusing goes, I have a tendency to thrive on the play and the people surrounding me, and I can actually feel myself pulling energy from others, and drawing it into myself, almost feeding off of it...Because I have this ability, the more people around the better for me...plus, I have a teensy, weensy exhibitionistic side...Oh wait! I bet no one has ever noticed that!
I don't know how you and your partner typically begin a scene...but I find that holding hands and touching, looking into my partners eyes, and talking softly about what we hope to accomplish really helps get my head in the right space...and perhaps that might work for you in helping tune other distractions out. As silly as it might sound, I picture a circle around me and my partner...sort of a protective circle if you will...In my mind it looks like a hoola hoop only it is softly and warmly lit...The fact that you can get past the pain if the conditions are ideal for you tells me that perhaps, with a little conditioning, you will be able to focus, and go further at the public events that you enjoy so much.
Be patient with yourself, take it slow, and remember to enjoy the journey!!
Dear Miss Beverley,
What fears did you have when you entered the lifestyle? Have they been dispelled, or come to pass? Do you feel your fears have held you back from finding your happiness, or do they encourage you to overcome and grow?
symphony
Dear symphony,
I had no fear when I entered this lifestyle...other than that there might not be anyone else out there to explore my fantasies with! I think the fact that was my only fear was partly due to my age...by then I was 42, had raised a family, and was ready to live and explore for ME! That particular fear was dispelled very early on as I met many people who were traveling this amazing path, and fortunately maturity (or my guardian angel) made it possible for me to make safe decisions for myself. I believe that happiness comes from within, from a contentment with who one is, and a genuine liking of that person that is inside all of us...Occasionally I have had a yearning to try something new that is very scary for me...edgy, perhaps...Being happy inside has made it possible to trust in myself and my partner, and that trust has enabled me to overcome my fear and soar in my new experience...learning and growing along the way. So, fear has not held me back from finding happiness, being happy has enabled me to tackle my fears and overcome!
I also believe that having fear when entering this lifestyle is a very healthy and wise thing...I encourage everyone beginning their journey to ask questions, attend munches, and be cautious in what they explore, and who they explore with...Take your time...it is a wonderful road, and you have no need to rush through it...You can only have a "first" one time...Be safe, and enjoy your trip!
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